I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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