It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
