The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I can't put those talents on a resume
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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