i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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