Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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