connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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