woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
