my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
