I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
