ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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