I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
