Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
