I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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