similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
