plz talk dirty to me
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
