He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
All the doctor said was why
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
