You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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