My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
