I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Well I just put wine in my tea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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