I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
