Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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