last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
