im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Randomize
