I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
