You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
