party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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