I think I died a long time ago.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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