I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
