we're chasing vodka with high fives
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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