I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
