Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
