are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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