Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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