i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
