Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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