can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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