i wish my penis had a tongue
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
