I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
