i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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