be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
