So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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