Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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