You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
