Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
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