did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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