I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
