Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
