Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
