so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
