Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
