Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
