I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So many bounce houses so little time
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
