Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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